If you go to the trouble of making a nice data file and putting it on the web, please don’t change the filename every time you update it, or if you must, make it predictable, or have a duplicate that’s called “current” or “latest” or… just, please…. I’m begging you.
And, if you change the format, oh.. then I will personally train a horde of flying monkeys to hunt you down – wherever you may be – and, dressed to mock your everyday sartorial choices and haircut, they will hoot incessantly beneath your bedroom window until you change it back again.
At that point, the hooting will cease, but they will follow you around forever, dressed just the same, hair cut just the same, as a reminder. A reminder that you once made a grown man cry because you couldn’t fix on comma separating or tab delimiting a file of 74 numbers and put the creation timestamp in the filename.
Now, you’re probably thinking “monkey’s are kind of cool.”. No! I will hand pick the most ornery, the most objectionable, borderline-evil monkeys, governable only because they recognise in the blast-furnace fervour of my gaze a spirit alike in malice.
And their children will haunt your children, and their grandchildren will haunt your grandchildren, and so on till the world is nothing but monkeys and your eternal shame.
And, aeons hence, when aliens first set foot on this Earth, your mocking likeness, will greet them from the plinth of every public square.
Statuary of consummate ridicule crafted by the sentient descendants of my monkey horde in whose very DNA I have inscribed that the only salve to creation’s horrors is to bring to a greater state of perfection the sound trashing of your name.
And so, the message will pass across the galaxy and into legend.
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